It is only in my surreality that I can revise the Codes of Conduct in corporate America. Perhaps one day, if the world doesn't end in a massive explosion on the predicted 12/12/2012 Mayan Apocalypse, this new definition can be adopted by professional establishments, both big and small, throughout the world!@!$@%^!~Let's review some of these general rules:
Commuting Conduct:
There's nothing like a crowded bus or train full of people who don't know the routines of public transportation. It becomes fiercely unruly during baseball season in San Francisco when fans haul on board and do things that make daily commuters want to kick someone in the face. Some key rules:
Wait for everyone on board to get off first. Don't try and squeeze through the side while people are trying to get out because not only is that shenanigans but you're creating traffic in the main walkway and delaying the train/bus from leaving. If the door is closing more than halfway, don't stick your arm or leg through the door. Just let it go...let it go...Unlike elevators that have sensors, some MUNI trains and buses don't. Don't be like this woman:
Don't crowd around the door when there is plenty of space in the aisles and you're not getting off at the very next stop. Chillax...you don't have to be the first one out. When getting off board, don't abruptly stop in front of the doorway while looking for the stairs/exit. Move along, son! Move A-Long! Generally, people form lines on the platform or while waiting for a bus. The person in front of the line has probably been waiting the longest, therefore, they should get first dibs on seats. Don't cut the line... you will get mean mugged.What's ironic about public transportation is how some people are so antsy to get on and off quickly but are slower than a sack of potatoes once they're out. Walk with me to the escalator...
Escalator Etiquette
Right side is for standing; left side is for walking. Please keep it real... Don't stop at the top of the escalator... get out the way! Get OUT THE WAY!!! If you're directly behind the person who is standing on the left side, it is your civic duty to obliterate this noob-ish tomfoolery and ask them to move a la derecha. Do us all a favor, please! As if the antic's can't get any more ridiculous, we haven't even made it inside the building. Enter the elevator...
The elevator is potentially one of the most awkward and uncomfortable settings in the modern world and it gets worse the higher up you have to go. Have you ever noticed the first four people who enter the elevator tend to migrate towards the four corners first? Even if there's only 2 people, we typically try and stand as far away from each other as possible. It's just the way Homo Sapiens living in metropolitan areas have evolved over the decades. In cities where public commuting is a vital means of transportation for many professional Homo Sapiens, personal space is highly valued and commuters generally prefer not to speak to strangers unless they absolutely have to. So, when a stranger decides to stand unnaturally close to you when there is clearly enough room for them to move over, this creates the Crampin Mah Space Scenario (CMS). (This can be applied to every aspect of your life) Elevator Etiquette:
Wait until the elevator has emptied out before getting in. Don't be like this woman:
If the elevator door is closing more than halfway, don't stick your arm or leg through the door. Just let it go...let it go... Be conscious of your neighbors. If they're looking away, that means they don't want to small-talk. If they make eye contact, a friendly "Morning!" or "Hello" or *Smile* is sufficient. Don't get carried away. If you're on the 2nd floor, don't even think about getting on the elevator. Show yourself to the staircase and walk one flight up. Please don't subject those who need to go to the 19th floor to your shenanigans. Don't pull a Buddy the Elf. Let's leave that to Hollywood.We've finally made it to the office! This is where all hell can break loose and finding personal space is like finding diamonds in a heap of donkey doo. CMS on drugs Like when I try to eat lunch at my desk (strongly discouraged)
If there aren't any empty offices available for you to escape to, the next best option is the bathroom. Unfortunately, there are basic courtesy measures that are being violated there as well. While I'm on the topic, I need to call all the ladies out on this... LADIES! WHY ARE YOU SO NASTY IN THE BATHROOM?!
Bathroom Bienséance
COURTESY FLUSH during AND after use! If it's bad news bears, utilize the air freshener or bring your own. YES, BRING YOUR OWN...and courtesy flush! If you're going to be an aircraft, make sure you're actually over the drop zone. IF YOU MISS, clean your mess up before jetting. Before you leave the stall, double check and make sure your "properties" have successfully submerged themselves out of view. If they decide to make an encore guest appearance, COURTESY FLUSH!!! Keep conversations to a bare minimum or better yet, don't talk at all. Not only is it awkward but you're actually being a jerk by keeping other people, who are too nice to tell you to STFU, in the bathroom longer than they'd like to be.
The world is full of surprises and things don't go the way we hope or expect. I get that. But they still annoy the shittake out of me and, I'm presume, you as well (otherwise, you wouldn't have made it down to this part...) I hope this spreads awareness as well as provides comfort to those who feel like there is no hope for humanity. I'M RIGHT THERE WITH YOU, HOME SKILLET! Go run and tell dat, tell dat, tell dat, homeboy whaddup. "The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance." Dr. Nathaniel Branden: TheRapist Extraordinaire
Is there anything you'd like to add to the new and improved "Codes of Conduct" that hasn't already been highlighted? Or do you have entertaining stories or pictures to share? PLEASE DO!!!
I'll admit, I've had dreams that felt so real that I eventually began thinking and living life as if it really happened. That's when people, who did or said something to me in my dream, think there's some loose screws in my noggin. 
The Driveby Weekend: noun \ˈdrīv-ˈbī ˈwēk-ˌend\
A Weekend named Denial: (Also known as the "Hit and Run") An excess amount of alcohol consumption following a series of episodes, mostly embarassing and crude, that can only be recalled by the non-intoxicated or after reviewing photo and/or video evidence.
The Greased Lightning: A highly anticipated vacation that requires weeks, sometimes months, of advanced planning and preparation, jammed-packed with an unrealistic amount of things to do in a short amount of time.
Zombie Rombie: An obsessively ridiculous amount of time spent doing absolutely nothing productive through the use of consumer electronics. Ranging anywhere from movie marathons to gaming to hacking and exploring a new smartphone. 
My first memory of sleepwalking was quite the puzzling experience. I successfully made it down the stairs of my parents 2-story house located in the depths of Pinole Valley, through the living room and down the short hallway leading towards my grandmother's bedroom door. I knocked twice and face planted on the ground, fast asleep. At the age of...oh, I don't recall...I experienced one of the strangest nocturnal phenomena's next to sleep talking. Nowadays, the extent of my unexplainable sleep-adventures has been wiggling my toes and giggling in my sleep. 
Surreality is this way...